undefined emotions
14th september,2005
rain...
it has always left me with a strange kind of satiation, ever since i was litlle i used to become happy at the sight of the great black clouds that bring rain, even when they floated away and didnt rain. the whole ambience created by them was enough to make me happy, like sometimes when you really want to eat something good and savoury, and you cant have it so you satiate yourself by watching a cooking show or by reading something that will arouse your tastebuds and give you the same pleasure. thats called compensation, defence mechanism in psychological terms, something i really didnt know at that time, now i do but that does not affect or change my sentiments about rains. sometimes i think im a little too passioante about it, maybe im obsessed a little but then who isnt attracted to beautiful things, and rain is beautiful... atleast i like it that way...
sometimes it is sad
sometimes it is cruel
sometimes its even manipulative!
it has its own character and for someone like me who gets fascinated with mountains and streams and winter fog and a starrry sky, it has sentimental values, but today i felt a strange restlessness while i watched it rain. i was unable to define what feeling arose in me. i took a walk in the rain, i kept sitting outside for a long long time but i still could not understand it, maybe i did not understand my own self. it was lonely as i kept walking around the house in the dark, quiet quiet dark, i felt as if there was noone in the whole wrold around me except my own self and for the first time in my life, i felt badly about it. for me being alone has never arose this kind of unrest, whether im surrounded by people or im actually alone, it has been rather blissful for i liked it. i like being by my own self, playing my own foolish games within my own self, but recently that has changed a lot. i feel as if i have deserted my own self, as if i have walked too far off... i did not enjoy the rain as i used to, i just felt strange emotions even as i went through the same rituals i go through , i have been going through for a long time, everytime it rained. today i could not understand what was the rain like, it had hit me with something bitter-sweet and left me in between. what is it? what game has it played with me today? and i am still wondering... thinking...
yes now i realize, i missed you today, i had not wanted to walk alone anymore and could not have you, so the rain could not help me either, it just rained as it always does, poured and poured as i pondered over my thoughts, thoughts too painful to admit, thoughts that dont help even if they are fathomed, and this is exactly what happened today.
rain...
it has always left me with a strange kind of satiation, ever since i was litlle i used to become happy at the sight of the great black clouds that bring rain, even when they floated away and didnt rain. the whole ambience created by them was enough to make me happy, like sometimes when you really want to eat something good and savoury, and you cant have it so you satiate yourself by watching a cooking show or by reading something that will arouse your tastebuds and give you the same pleasure. thats called compensation, defence mechanism in psychological terms, something i really didnt know at that time, now i do but that does not affect or change my sentiments about rains. sometimes i think im a little too passioante about it, maybe im obsessed a little but then who isnt attracted to beautiful things, and rain is beautiful... atleast i like it that way...
sometimes it is sad
sometimes it is cruel
sometimes its even manipulative!
it has its own character and for someone like me who gets fascinated with mountains and streams and winter fog and a starrry sky, it has sentimental values, but today i felt a strange restlessness while i watched it rain. i was unable to define what feeling arose in me. i took a walk in the rain, i kept sitting outside for a long long time but i still could not understand it, maybe i did not understand my own self. it was lonely as i kept walking around the house in the dark, quiet quiet dark, i felt as if there was noone in the whole wrold around me except my own self and for the first time in my life, i felt badly about it. for me being alone has never arose this kind of unrest, whether im surrounded by people or im actually alone, it has been rather blissful for i liked it. i like being by my own self, playing my own foolish games within my own self, but recently that has changed a lot. i feel as if i have deserted my own self, as if i have walked too far off... i did not enjoy the rain as i used to, i just felt strange emotions even as i went through the same rituals i go through , i have been going through for a long time, everytime it rained. today i could not understand what was the rain like, it had hit me with something bitter-sweet and left me in between. what is it? what game has it played with me today? and i am still wondering... thinking...
yes now i realize, i missed you today, i had not wanted to walk alone anymore and could not have you, so the rain could not help me either, it just rained as it always does, poured and poured as i pondered over my thoughts, thoughts too painful to admit, thoughts that dont help even if they are fathomed, and this is exactly what happened today.
posted by rainman | 11:44 AM
1 Comments:
Your blog is really interesting to read.
One way or another, i somehow manage to relate it to an experiance i have gone through or i manage to relate it to myself and how i see life.
Sakura
x
Post a Comment
<< Home