being and unbeing

I felt bad today. Apparently its just a random, ordinary statement coming from a regular, normally functioning individual who is liable to such feelings, but for me although I should be counted in the same category for there’s no uproar in my life, it means more than a mere feeling. Its an emotion full of self-disgust. It is not the pity we all feel for ourselves when we say this usually because I actually do feel bad today and not for my own self, although I am repulsed by this emotion I feel, but for the two people I would want to like each other, the two people who came in my life at a time when I needed them most- one prove to be the water I could not survive without and the other the fire I had lacked all my life. I became dull, I was morose, I was quiet because all of my insides were being eaten by the fire, but I liked it, I cherished it, I devoured each moment of the warmth it gave me, the light it lit up inside me, although on the outside, I only became weary and lost. The fire drove me insane to a point where I could not think anymore. I was frozen inside a block of ice getting closer to the fire in order to break free of the ice, not knowing that I was only nearing the fire too dangerously, and then it happened. I had jumped into, forgetting my mortal existence, tired of melting, drained of having been still for ages. I donot remember when and how I came out of the fire, I just know that when I regained my senses I was floating on the surface of a river, with the sun shining right above me, the sun that had melt me down, that had been my savior from an ice age of
biter cold realities and frozen lies that I had knit around my self, lies I thought would make me so strong one day that I would not remember what they really had been… that is all past now and for me both the sun and the river were there to nourish me back, to take me into their arms. I was once again in a sanctuary where I could live again, free of lies, free of restrains, only if I had not known that my two friends, my liberators had gone apart in the struggle to rescue me. Why does love of a mutual person not bring two people together. Maybe it does, in this case it is my fault they lost their friendship, the anger my mistake arose in them, they took out on each other. No it was not wrong, they did what they felt and all because of a silly mistake I made, something I cannot regret and cannot undo at the same time…