undefined emotions

14th september,2005
rain...
it has always left me with a strange kind of satiation, ever since i was litlle i used to become happy at the sight of the great black clouds that bring rain, even when they floated away and didnt rain. the whole ambience created by them was enough to make me happy, like sometimes when you really want to eat something good and savoury, and you cant have it so you satiate yourself by watching a cooking show or by reading something that will arouse your tastebuds and give you the same pleasure. thats called compensation, defence mechanism in psychological terms, something i really didnt know at that time, now i do but that does not affect or change my sentiments about rains. sometimes i think im a little too passioante about it, maybe im obsessed a little but then who isnt attracted to beautiful things, and rain is beautiful... atleast i like it that way...
sometimes it is sad
sometimes it is cruel
sometimes its even manipulative!
it has its own character and for someone like me who gets fascinated with mountains and streams and winter fog and a starrry sky, it has sentimental values, but today i felt a strange restlessness while i watched it rain. i was unable to define what feeling arose in me. i took a walk in the rain, i kept sitting outside for a long long time but i still could not understand it, maybe i did not understand my own self. it was lonely as i kept walking around the house in the dark, quiet quiet dark, i felt as if there was noone in the whole wrold around me except my own self and for the first time in my life, i felt badly about it. for me being alone has never arose this kind of unrest, whether im surrounded by people or im actually alone, it has been rather blissful for i liked it. i like being by my own self, playing my own foolish games within my own self, but recently that has changed a lot. i feel as if i have deserted my own self, as if i have walked too far off... i did not enjoy the rain as i used to, i just felt strange emotions even as i went through the same rituals i go through , i have been going through for a long time, everytime it rained. today i could not understand what was the rain like, it had hit me with something bitter-sweet and left me in between. what is it? what game has it played with me today? and i am still wondering... thinking...
yes now i realize, i missed you today, i had not wanted to walk alone anymore and could not have you, so the rain could not help me either, it just rained as it always does, poured and poured as i pondered over my thoughts, thoughts too painful to admit, thoughts that dont help even if they are fathomed, and this is exactly what happened today.

autistic thoughts

here is a poem my sister wrote when she was in her tenth grade. this piece of verse has a lot of personal significance to me because being sisters i can relate to what she wrote vey easily...to the fact of having an autistic sibling, i went through the same phase she did when i was a teenager and still am and still going through the same phase of trying to understand and at the same time trying to understand my responsibilities and trying to know the difference between how i grew up and how others generally do, others who never had the experience we all had...and yes it was and still is a very rewarding experience beacuse it opened our eyes to a very different world and made us understand and believe in the creativity of the great Lord!this does not mean at all that no other person can relate to this poem it has a penetration in its simple diction that goes beyond the mere phenomena of autism...autism is a whole lifestyle a whole pattern of thoguht and that is exactly in very simple words and a 15 year old's comprehension is going to give you here:
I,yes me who's presence the world does not want to feel.
i want the world to listen to me
listen to the words i speak
donot be amazed!for i can speak
i CAN speak .
i want the world to look at me dont just pass by!
those empty looks frighten me .
i want the world to understand me
understand what i say
donot sneer i make sense
yes i make sense
just that you donot speak my words
if only i could learn your w ords or if you could understand me
may be if any one would listen , listen real close maybe just maybe !
Mariam Saleem
Copyright ©2005 Mariam Saleem

transitoriness of solitude

there are no more lights as everytime sands envelope my entire body.
i go down in unsure depths of an unknown void
unknown because my eyes are blind in the dark
im raised to the surface to see distant twinkiling of lights.
and then sink back
this circle repeats, this unending process of appearing and disappearing
till i become weary and lost
become aloof to the experience
just go up and come down
dwell on pain,
for its the only thing to dwell on underneath
emerge out of nowhere to breathe the fresh air once more
as i go up
again
to see the twinkling lights i know will fade.

The generous king gave me everything
he gave me silver, gave me gold
gave me stars, gave me hope
i was laden beyond my dreams
i was lost in the moment of blessings
and even so, for me without the silver,
gold, stars and even hope,
he was everything!
but the generous king thought so not.
generosity gives way to loss
as i see when all the silver, gold,hope stars
laugh down at me from high above
mock my existence
im just a gipsy girl,
asking for love!

chat with an OCD stranger

Here is a chat from my msn that i had some time back with a guy who had mailed me earlier asking if i had OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) and that whether i could contact him in future if i did. I thought of the mail as someone playing a prank on me, someone that i knew who would know that im a clinical psychology major and would probably become enthusiastic about the whole affair. Interesting enough this person added me up on msn later on and during the course of this chat that we had i realized that he sounds unmistakeably like someone i know very closely who was also online at that time and the only person online on my list at that time other than this stranger. The friend that was online told me to get rid of this person as he thought of the stranger(his nick was stranger in the mirror) as some prankster bugging me at such a late hour of the night(it was around 4:30 in the morning). So as i was thinking of ending the chat in a peaceful conclusion of some sort this person suddenly and very abruptly ended the conversation which by the way had turned to some personal issues. Today when i read this chat i somehow get the feeling that this person, the stranger that is was the same friend i was talking to at that time, and i keep getting this feeling again and again...dont know why...
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
Aplogies for adding you randomly. I wont take too much of you time. Just a couple of quick questions. Did you get an email from this address regarding OCD a few weeks ago ?
bob says:
i guess
bob says:
why may i ask?
bob says:
?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
oh, i thought it might have ended up in the junk mail, thats why i added you. I guess if you got it and choose to ignore it you wont be interested in talkin abt it even now, correct ?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
an answer would be highly appreciated. I wont bother you if you dont want me to.
bob says:
i thoguht since it was an unknown address it might have a virus
bob says:
where r u from?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
from Karachi,
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and yourself
bob says:
lahore
bob says:
wat did u want to talk about?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you have OCD ? you dont have to answer that if you dont want to
bob says:
no i dont
bob says:
do u?
bob says:
do u have ocd?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
yup i do. Some how or the other i got the impression that you did have it. Thats why i emailed you.
bob says:
well
bob says:
i dont but im studying clinical psychology as majors i might be able to help a little
bob says:
have u seen someone for it?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
oh yea for 11 yrs now
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
when i saw your nick i thought you would be able to relate with it. Thats why i sent you the mail.
bob says:
who a doctor or a therapist?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
both,
bob says:
which nick?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
neah, it went had to abt comedy and you had OCD mentioned in it
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
went was a typo *
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
can i ask how old are you ?
bob says:
im 19
bob says:
yeah comedy doesnt exist without OCD that one?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
yup, that one
bob says:
so how effective is therapy for u?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
so you are pursuing your bachelors, is it
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
if it was effective i woundnt be adding strangers over msn maam
bob says:
well
bob says:
im sorry to say therapists in pkaistan r not very good
bob says:
lack of education and training both
bob says:
the oogd ones mostly go abroad anyway
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ammm, i had 5 years of therapy in the states too.
bob says:
ahan
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
OCD is complex, the general span of time before being diagnosed or getting a suitable medicine which suits you, or bring you to a moderate level of functioning is 17 yrs
bob says:
i am again sorry abt the american health system
bob says:
and its efficacy
bob says:
but then againi dunnt know to wat extent ur problem interferes with ur life
bob says:
OCD can be manageable but not completely curable
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
you are quiet intelligent for a 19 yr old. Are you pursuing your bachelors in clinical phys
bob says:
yes
bob says:
but i might ;eave it
bob says:
leave
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
where from, if i may ask
bob says:
punjab university
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmm, and why would you leave
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
arent enjoying it enuff
bob says:
its over taxing sumtimes n frustrating
bob says:
in punjab university
bob says:
and i have sum personal reasons
bob says:
where did u get my email id from by the way
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
i saw it on a friend's msn list, got the address while he/she was not looking.
bob says:
which friend
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
after the OCD had caught my eye
bob says:
which friend if i may ask?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ammm that wouldnt be very prudent. I am sure as a physe student you are aware of the sensitivity which patients feel about their indentity
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
identity *
bob says:
but i wudnt know u nonetheless
bob says:
i just want to know where u got the address
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you know rasham
bob says:
rasham,?
bob says:
no
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
rasham akbar
bob says:
no
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm ... well i wont bother you any more
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
thanks for the time,
bob says:
sure
bob says:
if u need any help
bob says:
or talking
bob says:
u can always talk abt it
bob says:
im sorry i didnt take ur mail seriosuly
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
nopes it ok. Can you spare a few minutes right now
bob says:
yeah im already doing that
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
true. Actually the condition of OCD is compounded by reoccuring depression
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and ppl in Pakistan deal with all this very negatively. As a taboo
bob says:
wat kind of obsessions do u have?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
perfection,excellence. Not the usual hand rubbin type
bob says:
hmm
bob says:
wat do u do
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
what do i try to do would be more apt
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
since it hardly ever gets done
bob says:
wat?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
OCD is instumental in lack of functionality. Sometimes even common day to day functions. Thats why i said, ke what do i do se behtur is what do i try to do
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
I am pursuing my masters
bob says:
i know but i meant to know wat do u do nonetheless
bob says:
in?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
busniess (mba)
bob says:
from?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
University of Illinois at Chicago
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do you feel that ppl in Pakistan view pshycological illness as smthing negative
bob says:
yes they do
bob says:
why did u leave chichago to cum to pakistan
bob says:
by the way ppl do dat eberywhere i think
bob says:
things they cant explain they hold negative views about them
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm, you know what. I was involved with this girl for 5 yrs. Really liked her, i mean in for marriage n all that. She broke up with me 2 weeks after i told her i had OCD
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
i guess you are busy.
bob says:
no you go ahead
bob says:
she didnt realize u had ocd
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
neah, i told you mine is more on the depressive side. Rather then the hand rubbing.
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
and other physical stuff
bob says:
ok
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
do u think she was justified ?
bob says:
i think u have a right to be liked howver u r and people shud like u with the knowledge of the fcts of ur life
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
so do you think i mislead her for this long ?
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
when i did tell her, she left. So was it my fault
bob says:
sumtimes things r not anyones fault they just happen
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
hmmm
Stranger in d@ mirror says:
ok bob, thanks for your time. Its really appreciated. Allahafiz
bob says:
alrite

The following message could not be delivered to all recipients:
alrite
(the names have been replaced)
the conversation ended up nowhere but yet i saved the conversation and my thoughts still linger with the idea that maybe just maybe it was someone in pain and i in my folly chose to ignore it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: too obvious!

bad journalist!

GIRL, INTERUPTED


Just because I walk staring straight ahead and usually bump into things or trip over doesn’t mean I am goofy. I am a Clinical Psychology major. Just because my cell phone is bright yellow and I usually wear green socks, doesn’t mean I am zany. I am a Clinical Psychology Major. Just because I know the difference between a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist does not mean I am well informed. I am a Clinical Psychology Major. The last thing though ironic is true. Ironic because even Clinical Psychology Majors don’t know the difference ………at least most of them and true, well that’s how it is! Ever since I took the plunge and ended up at Centre for Clinical Psychology I have found that all my playful little eccentric ways have been attributed to my psychologiness. A feature all laymen identify with us. At first I was confused but then by the process of habituation I not only grew accustomed but there came a time, I actually started feeling precious. This whole process evolved a period of time and is not just the result of habituation or in other words stubbornness.
It started, when in college I took up psychology as one of my elective subjects. Unfortunately, I was a science student before that and even more unfortunately got good grades so naturally everyone had expected me to become a noble “doctor”. However I had as good thoughts about doctors and studying medicine, as a daughter-in-law would have for her “Saas”(mother in law, its a phenomenon in our society!). Hence rebellious as I am I took up the weirdest elective combination (weirdest for the usual, pre-medical, pre-engineering and general science students) including Psychology. But let’s forget whatever happened in those two years of intermediate seems insignificant and far away. At the time of admission, in Bsc. Hons. , I was the only one from my whole psychology class at college who opted to major in Clinical Psychology which at least in my knowledge nowhere else except Punjab university offers in Lahore (hats off to us!) Ahh! After that everything went upside down…not for me readers…for people who knew me and I still regretfully do. My relatives would say “Arey beta yeh kis field ko lai ker baith gaye ho!”("oh good heavens dear! what the hell have you chosen for a carrer"..another social taboo) etc. In reply, if I would merrily exclaim that I find going to the Mental Hospital fun, their jaws would drop 10 feet down; elderly aunties would say “Astagfirrulah!”("god forgive her!"),“Tauba tauba”("i seek Gods forgiveness"), less elderly aunties would securely take their children away from me and uncles would merely give me a look, of an indescribable emotion…. at least we had read about it in our course. My friends, well at first couldn’t come out of the shock that I am leaving college and then apparently, very relieved, slowly stopped all communication with me.
Later came the stage where as a student at CCP I found that life was a little too academic. I vowed that I would not rest until I had done something about it—I vowed and then went into a slumber till we had taken our mid term exams. By this time I had come to realize that in this small department I study, I’d soon become some nameless faceless being, studying, studying and just studying… (a trend our poor ADCP seniors cant help following). Suddenly, jolted back from a state of stupor, the aggressive heroine inside me woke up and decided to initiate a newsletter cum magazine created out of the minds of Clinical Psychology students. This was actually a highly unachievable task since at first I had only the support of my per kitty Smurfet but later on by means of begging, pleading and finally threatening managed to pull up an editorial team that would do all the dirty work for me. Finally as I proudly showed everyone the final formatted version of my high handed slave drivery I realized that being a Clinical Psychology major wasn’t too bad after all.Atleast i successfully demonstrated the results of my newly acquired trait of "assertiveness" to the general public's misfortune...
NOTE: The newsletter of which this article was a part is still under consideration by the head of the department who refuses to like all the editorial team's attempts at journalism. Hence the so-called slave drivery and "assertiveness" has moslty gone to the misfortune of the editor, which would be me!