very rewarding day!

today the child that had been mute ever since he came to the hospital started talking to me only after one day of our meeting! He sounded like he would never feel the need to talk again he was so silent yesterday, but today when i started asking him what hed want to have the most and gave him the options of balloons he said yes. It was a slight, meek and hardly audible yes and the most beautiful thing i had ever heard! then i asked him what colour balloons and he said red! i just so loved that kid in that little instant! his accent wasn't very comprehendable for me but i just kept relishing his sounds and the way he kept playing with me with a huge smile on his face! then when i was about to leave i asked him to write his name on his colour book for me and he tried writing mine too! that was the cutest thing ever! today i realized how a toally unknown person can bring happiness to the life of a desolate person, i would definitely not call myself the desolate one but even then i dont think i gave him more than what he gave me today he gave me the greatest gift; the satisfaction of the soul!in a strange way he completed something in me that noone else had ever before? what was it? i still cannot word it properly only in very oblique terms like satisfaction of the soul...but all i know is a child, be it very young or older can bring out the mother in you by a single gesture of his which is the best feeling in this entire world!

14/6

She breathed fire to give life to her broken soul and everytime she did ittook so much of her strength that she remained senseless even in the process of creatinglife. Her strength was born in the midst of impenetrable pain,it made her weak first, she thought she could take nomore, but somehow a starnge sweetness embalmed her.She called out the name she wanted to hear like echos around her but no voice came out...yet there he was, emerging out of the strange sweetness, shadowy bleakness,blocking out every single thing and suddenly piercing her, reality had shot through!

being and unbeing

I felt bad today. Apparently its just a random, ordinary statement coming from a regular, normally functioning individual who is liable to such feelings, but for me although I should be counted in the same category for there’s no uproar in my life, it means more than a mere feeling. Its an emotion full of self-disgust. It is not the pity we all feel for ourselves when we say this usually because I actually do feel bad today and not for my own self, although I am repulsed by this emotion I feel, but for the two people I would want to like each other, the two people who came in my life at a time when I needed them most- one prove to be the water I could not survive without and the other the fire I had lacked all my life. I became dull, I was morose, I was quiet because all of my insides were being eaten by the fire, but I liked it, I cherished it, I devoured each moment of the warmth it gave me, the light it lit up inside me, although on the outside, I only became weary and lost. The fire drove me insane to a point where I could not think anymore. I was frozen inside a block of ice getting closer to the fire in order to break free of the ice, not knowing that I was only nearing the fire too dangerously, and then it happened. I had jumped into, forgetting my mortal existence, tired of melting, drained of having been still for ages. I donot remember when and how I came out of the fire, I just know that when I regained my senses I was floating on the surface of a river, with the sun shining right above me, the sun that had melt me down, that had been my savior from an ice age of
biter cold realities and frozen lies that I had knit around my self, lies I thought would make me so strong one day that I would not remember what they really had been… that is all past now and for me both the sun and the river were there to nourish me back, to take me into their arms. I was once again in a sanctuary where I could live again, free of lies, free of restrains, only if I had not known that my two friends, my liberators had gone apart in the struggle to rescue me. Why does love of a mutual person not bring two people together. Maybe it does, in this case it is my fault they lost their friendship, the anger my mistake arose in them, they took out on each other. No it was not wrong, they did what they felt and all because of a silly mistake I made, something I cannot regret and cannot undo at the same time…

for effective adjustment?

i have shifted to my new house i miss my old home my old room with the huge jhonny bravo i had once painted on its wall! what to do now! i miss everything so terribly! i feel like an old woman being fussy about her used to things and routine but i cant help it!